Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
