the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
