our cab driver is having phone sex.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
