What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
i now understand why vodka
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
