Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
