Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
