1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
