Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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