Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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