If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
