if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
