Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
