god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
