I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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