I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
