If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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