she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
