Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
