I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
