My underwear smells like fireworks.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
