I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
