Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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