Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
