Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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