Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
