omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
