is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
