I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
