Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
