im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
you had me at cake vodka
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
