so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
