I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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