I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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