I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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