Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
