there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
