kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
