I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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