We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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