Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
