now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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