Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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