I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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