I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
