My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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