Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
