You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
