this beer tastes like vomit already
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
