if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
