Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
