so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
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You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
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Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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