I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
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It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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