I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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