I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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