Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize