I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
