I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
