tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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