fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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