I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
