my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
